Blog

As much as I hate to admit it I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder. I’ve always been this way. I’ve always had anxiety, I’ve been on medicines, I have went to therapy, I have left it alone… It’s always there. I have major health issues, mainly my brain condition, it’s neurological so it causes so many problems, on top of that I have pvc, pac, and tachycardia (electrical issue with the heart) I am exhausted. Going through my health and not having a doctor (I now see a new one on next Friday fingers crossed) that understands me and just chalks it up to being anxiety. Is causing my anxiety to go through the roof. Crazy right. I don’t think it’s my anxiety causing the issues but the doctors keep mentioning my anxiety and now my anxiety is a issue, if they’d just listen to my health issues and not chalk it up to my mental health. They are making me go insane. Now I really am struggling with my anxiety and I feel like there is no escape. People don’t talk about their anxiety that much. If they do, it isn’t considered a mental illness, but it is. It can literally ruin your life. I am so exhausted by everything. I’m just tired, and I’m not okay right now. But that’s ok, I know things will be better. If you struggle with anxiety don’t be ashamed to buy items you believe will help you. I recently discovered these magnesium gummies called Calm. I am going to try them, along with some aromatherapy, and just some simple self care love. Im going to start mediating again, shutting off from the world a hour a day just for myself. Whatever that may be, rather it’s music in your ears in a dark room, or coloring, or nothing but silence. Take care of you and your mental health. It is needed. There’s so many items that I have found on Amazon that I wish I could get if money wasn’t a factor, I think I have about $100 worth of stress relief/ anxiety relief items in my Amazon cart, I’ll buy a item here or there when I can if bills don’t get in the way, stress and anxiety is so real and it’s so important to take care of yourself.

Before I just go ahead and give you my results from my heart monitor testing and my echocardiogram. I want to give a back story, I know your just here for the results, but hear me out. I never ever once had any type of heart issue until I became pregnant. There has to be some correlation between the two. My son is now 8. So for 8 years I have been struggling to figure out what’s going on with my heart. I was diagnosed with SVT years ago, than told no, it’s not that, it’s tachycardia. So I have ran with I have tachycardia episodes, that’s just a name for a fast resting heart rate. Never did anything about it. The years have gone on and my heart has become worse and worse. Finally about 6 weeks ago after I have been having heart issues so bad within the last 2.5 months, finally I see a new doctor, was put on a heart monitor, and here we are 6 weeks later with some answers and a whole new diagnosis. I did the echocardiogram today and no finding on there, my heart looks good, but I have been diagnosed with Bruit, I will add definitions at the end of this blog so you can know what all of this means. Than, let’s get to the heart monitor results, the findings were not tachycardia, a mean a episode here and there, but it is still present. But instead, I have been diagnosed with Rare Premature atrial contractions (PACs) and Rare Premature ventricular contractions (PVCs). What’s happening in my heart is that I am having episodes of a extra heart beat, than it follows by a skipped heartbeat. This is happening mainly at night 2am, 3am. The thing that has jolted me awake for the last say 6 years, I finally have answers to. My electrical of the heart is having “misfires” extra beat here, skipped beat there. He said obviously I’m symptomatic because every time I had a episode I pressed the monitor to record it. And that’s exactly what I’m feeling. So where does this lead me? Well this is not dangerous unless it goes untreated for so long. So I will be on a beta blocker to help steady the heart. I definitely have got way more info with this heart doctor than I have in the past with my last. The looks of my heart look great. Just electrical issues, of course they can become dangerous, but for now, it’s just the symptoms that are way worse and the feeling of it way worse than what it is. I am relieved to have a diagnosis and to start a treatment to see if it helps. I am one tired human being, and I’m truly hoping this medicine will help. This explains the constant tiredness I feel, fatigue as you will. Been a long time to get some answers. I follow up in 3 months.

Premature ventricular contractions (PVCs) are extra heartbeats that begin in one of your heart’s two lower pumping chambers (ventricles). These extra beats disrupt your regular heart rhythm, sometimes causing you to feel a fluttering or a skipped beat in your chest.

Premature atrial contractions (PACs) are premature heartbeats that are similar to PVCs, but occur in the upper chambers of the heart, an area known as the atria.

Bruit, also called vascular murmur, is the abnormal sound generated by turbulent flow of blood in an artery due to either an area of partial obstruction or a localized high rate of blood flow through an unobstructed artery.

As the rain sounds pour down and the music plays, I lay next to you with me in your arms. Your so heroic in so many ways, that I love each and every passing day. You are strong and mighty, loveable and kind, and you have a wonderful peace of mind. I am so lucky that today you are mine, and tomorrow, and forever in time. I hold you close, I’ll hold you near, because you are deserving of a life full of bliss, Tonight I lay with you by my side, and promise I will make for ever until the end of time, that I will cherish you for all that your worth, and even on our bad days I promise to put in the work. Because you are a King in my eyes, and I hold you up high, my expectations are real, I want to build, build with me and keep me in line, and I promise to hold you accountable for our dreams intertwined. We will reach our goals and climb to the top, even if its a race against the clock. The thing that matters most, is that both of us are willing, and try our best to achieve all of our dreams for us both. I love you

I was diagnosed back in December 2015 after years and years of knowing something was wrong with me, and being misdiagnosed all those years. I look back on my childhood and teen years and now can very clearly see signs that something was not right, going all the way back to being a baby and what my parents describe of me back than. I’d learn one thing, and as soon as I learned something new, the other thing I would lose. I’d learn to walk, and wouldn’t talk like I used to, I was in speech early on, and shortly after that put into learning disability classes, I just didn’t pick up on things like other kids. Later on in life my palms were always sweating, and my hands were always shaking. I remember my dad telling me back in 8th grade that he thought I might have some neurological issues because how shaky I always was. But, we never looked in to it. I always had asthma, so was always a sick child. But it wasn’t until I turned 23 and got pregnant with my son that things started severely changing for me. I remember being just a few months pregnant and having my first heart issue feeling. I went to the ER for it. Nothing came of it and they just made sure the baby was okay. Than giving birth to my child, I ended up having a c-section and I remember feeling really really weird, and the heart monitor I was on beeping, they gave me Morphine to calm me down and never said anything about my heart sky rocketing. After I had my son, I remember when my dizzy spells started happening, I had never suffered dizziness, I started working out in the gym when Alex was about two years old, lifting weights, doing cardio, I’ve always been out of shape and my first time ever in a gym. Everything was okay until after a month or so starting at the gym I introduced weights to my workouts. That’s when everything started, I started becoming dizzy all the time, my hands would go numb, I got diagnosed with vertigo, and carpal tunnel in the hands, my heart started skipping beats and I just felt horrible, I got diagnosed with my on set chronic anxiety, eventually things started going so bad, I stopped going to the gym. Like I said before there was always hints something was wrong with me, but no doctor could ever find anything. Finally after a year fighting with symptoms worsening, I got in with a cardiologist, I was diagnosed with tachycardia, I got diagnosed with a thyroid problem, but my numbers didn’t make any sense, the doctor even mentioned he never seen numbers like mine, he was so confused he didn’t put me on anything and sent me for more testing. The dizziness was getting worse and worse, I couldn’t get out of bed some days, it hit out of no where and I’d be down for days due to It. I was exhausted, felt like no one was hearing me when I said something is just not right. My pinky toe, and the toe next to it on my left side started feeling like there was a string wrapped around it, they were numb, but it truly felt like something was wrapped around my toes. Finally in December 2015, with a newish Doctor of mine, she decided to do a MRI, she called me in the very next day, I sat in her office and she said ” your mri did come back abnormal” I of course was thinking the worse due to the fact my mom had brain tumors. She told me “You have Chiari Malformation, and the best way I can describe it to you, is that the back part of your brain is falling out of the hole in your skull” she went into detail but everything after that was a complete blur. I had drove myself to the doctor, and I remember getting in the car holding the papers and crying, I drove home and told my than husband (now ex husband) and that in itself is another story. Let’s just say that I got diagnosed in mid December 2015. New Years him and I seperated and divorced four months later. After being diagnosed of course I did MRI after MRI. I actually had a pretty good doctor where I lived. But I than moved back to Oklahoma and I have been fighting with finding a doctor here. My sysmtoms now are way worse than they ever have been. I have a appointment next month with a new neurologist and I’m hoping she is familiar with Chiari Malformation. I want to include a list of my symptoms with chiari malformation. They have worsened over the years, and as of December it has been five years since I was diagnosed.

Chiari Malformation- NORD (National Organization for Rare disorders) Chiari malformation (kee-AH-ree mal-for-MAY-shun) is a condition in which brain tissue extends into your spinal canal. It occurs when part of your skull is abnormally small or misshapen, pressing on your brain and forcing it downward into the hole of the skull. Chiari can block the spinal fluid flow leading in spinal cord injury, possible paralysis can occur. Chiari Malformation can be a very serious fatal disorder.

My list of symtoms include

Dizziness, headaches, brain freeze feeling, balance problems, tachycardia, sleep apnea, numbness and tingling, tinnitus (ringing in the ears) hearing problems, memory problems, trouble swallowing, scoliosis, pain in neck and back of the head, feeling sick often, sensitivity to lights, sensitivity to sound, shakiness, blurred vision, trouble swallowing food, difficulty with fine motor skills, unsteady, pain in body, a feeling of leaving my body, heart problems, weakened immune system, and these are just all I can think of right now.

Some days I can’t even get out of bed, some days I have to choose what I want to do, if I do this and this, I won’t have energy to do this . I can wake up and feel amazing, make plans for that day, be excited, get ready and all dolled up, just for dizziness to hit me and totally knock me down. I don’t get to live a full life, like I want. Everything I do has consequences. I can’t just get up and not think about what I’m doing, because it’ll affect me in some type of way. If I walk into a store, I get a basket rather I need it or not, because it helps me stay steady, I easily fall, also the lighting causes me to get dizzy. I hardly go anywhere because I never feel good, and it gets chalked up to me being a home body. Sometimes even if I’m starving I can’t eat because I have trouble swallowing, and afraid I may choke so I just won’t eat. Most nights I don’t sleep because my heart has irregular pounding beats (looking further into that right now, appointment next week for heart monitor results) there is just so much that goes into my life. As I type my thumb is completely numb. I try not to ever mention how bad I feel all the time. I’m in a relationship and he does his best at understanding my issues, but I’m very quiet about how I am feeling alot of times, of course he sees the neurological issues himself, that’s kind of hard not to see, the shakiness, fine motor skills issues, memory loss, he is always catching me because I lose my balance all day every day, luckily he is usually right next to me to catch me, but my overall how I’m feeling in a day, unless it’s my dizziness that affects me doing a ton of stuff, or my heart issues, I pretty much keep quiet about the way I fe during the day. Or quiet at night. Right now it’s 3am and I get getting woke up with feeling like I stop breathing. Some days I just feel so worn thin. I’m exhausted and tired, and always living in fear of whats next. I’m on the couch now, in the dark. Typing away about the thing that keeps me up at night, the thing that makes me day difficult. I do admit there are few days where I feel nothing is wrong with me, but that is very very few. But I cherish those days.

Chiari Malformation is a progressive disorder, most people often don’t know they have it until later on in life, mod 20’s because symptoms from it worsen. Some people have no symptoms at all and live a normal life, some people have such severe symtoms they can no longer walk, there is no cure for chiari, since this is just how you happened to be born, with “too much brain to contain” there is a surgery that is supposed to lesson symptoms. I deal with my symptoms, but eventually if my spinal fluid becomes blocked even more than want it is, than surgery is needed to relieve the pressure off the brain and to make room for the spinal fluid to flow, this surgery is called decompression surgery, where they remove a part of your skull, and vertibrate, to make more room for the brain, usually a mesh sling or something is placed to hold the brain up. Unfortunately most people who have this brain surgery don’t just stop at one surgery. Usually a few is needed due to something not going right on the first one, and even though you have the surgery doesn’t mean your symtoms will go away. It depends on the person, some may have no symptoms anymore, and some, may have never went away. The main point of the surgery is to allow more room for the brain for the spinal fluid.

Things I struggle with, I’m 32 years old and a mother to one child, he is 8. Most of my major symptoms happened after pregnancy. I want more children. I want one more. And I am getting older, and I’m unsure my body is healthy enough to handle another pregnancy and that kills me inside. I always talk about if I get my weight under control maybe everything will be better and I can carry a child and be healthy. But honestly, not sure if that’ll ever happen. I need to lose weight, it’s so hard when food really seems to be the only thing I can control in my life. I’m trying again tomorrow to start eating healthier to lose weight. But reality of everything even if I lose weight, I may never have another child again, because the more I think of things, starting over, and already not feeling good as it is…. it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Plus I don’t know about you mom’s, but I am always worrying about my son, and if something happens to me, where does that leave him. I lost my mother at a young age. I don’t want the same for my son, let alone another child. I think it’s really a selfish feeling in my head, the want of having another child is selfish, but it’s something I struggle with when most people can just have as many babies as they want and not have to worry. I have to worry about chiari being passed on to my children.

I truly never got to live a normal life, but I remember back when asthma was really the only thing in my way. Man I had some fun as a teen though. I have always been in and out of hospitals because my asthma so bad, on top of that I smoked cigarettes starting at the age of 14/15, along with weed back than. As my older teens approached I was in ICU all the time due to my asthma,. But I wouldn’t let that keep me down for too long. I’d get out of ICU and spend a few days resting and back to my old self, until a few weeks later where id be put back in. The smoking was terrible for me, not sure why I ever started in the first place when I couldn’t breathe already. I put the cigarettes down the day I found out I was pregnant. Easier to do for someone else than yourself. I’ve now been 9 years smoke free. And my asthma is so much better than what it was. Back in the day even though I’d be in icu for my asthma, I never understood the instensity and how critical being in icu was. I was younger so didn’t realize what exactly that meant. I got on disability at 23 years old after not being able to keep jobs due to the severity of my asthma. But as I was saying other than that, before I got pregnant, I lived a pretty normal life, of course I had the little symtoms here and there, like being shaky, not being very “smart” which really was Id learn something and than forget it easily, but I always thought I was just a little slow at learning and had a learning disability that never got looked at. But my pregnancy, that’s what changed everything. I believe it has to do with how much your body changes while your pregnant. For some reason it took the pregnancy to intensify my symptoms. Which is so horrible because it’s like now your a mother and you have to not only care for your life, but your childs life too. But he is a happy and smart boy. People call him s genius he is so smart. I’m proud of him, I’m proud to be a mother and even though sometimes life is so unbearable, he brings so much joy to me. I am so glad I had the chance to become a mother.

Chiari Malformation has taken over my life, but I won’t stop fighting every day to survive. All I want to do is raise awareness of this brain disorder because even alot of Doctors don’t know about this, we are often told none of our symptoms have anything to do with chiari, bit unexplained where they come from. I hope to spread awareness, and in hopes that one dah it’ll be more understandable to where they can make it to where we can live much more qualify of life. I know this has been such a long blog, but I thank you for taking time to read it and get to know me.

-signed a Chiari Warrior Holly Nichole

People who really know me know my story, but I was never really the best kid growing up, I got mixed up with the wrong crowd very early on, and by the age of 15 I found myself hooked on meth. I struggled for so long off and on, I’d get off for 6 months to a year if that and be back on it before I knew it. Now I wasn’t one of those addicts that would do stupid shit for it, but if someone had it I definitely was doing it, and as I got older, I did buy it myself. But for the most part, I never did it on my own, always around someone who was doing it as well. I remember I reached 20 years old, and I remember taking a bad hit, which knocked me to my knees, and I couldn’t stay awake, it scared me so bad, that the next day I woke up and questioned myself what am I doing with myself. I quit that day, I got a job by the end of the week, went through withdrawals but had quit cold turkey, life wasn’t easy. But I started working, and changed my life the best I could. Now it’s been almost 12 years and I’ve been totally clean. I used to do meth, and pop pills like crazy. 12 years totally clean. It’s the best thing I could have done, I’m 32 now, and I even quit cigarettes 9 years ago. My life is totally different and I am proud of how far I’ve come. I’m a all around better person, especially with my son in my life.

12 year difference, active using vs clean and sober

On November 13th was a regular day to me, but towards the end of the night I wasn’t feeling that great, it went away for a few hours, but by night time I had a very sore throat, the next day November 14th I woke up not feeling good at all, sore throat, severe headache, loss of appetite, and alot of heart palpitations with a super heavy chest. I didn’t feel good at all. That night I went to the ER, I got tested for covid and my rapid results came back negative, the doctor said all of my symptoms sounded like covid and that my other test may be positive. Left the ER, and had a hard night, the next day we had to go to Shawnee to pick up my step kids, I shouldn’t have gone, I didn’t feel good but I wanted to go. We were almost to Shawnee when I got a overwhelming sensation that I couldn’t breath, I have never felt this before. We rushed to the ER my husband running red lights, and get to the ER he runs in and tells them I need help and I’m wheeled in, no findings…. I am released hours later, and come home, I don’t remember the days but I ended up going two more times, along with a doctor’s appointment from my doctor and a referral to a cardiologist which isn’t until December 8th. Two more times in the ER, including last night. And a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning at 8am. I am still unsure what is going on with me. I am no longer sick, but my heart pauses and palpitations is out of control, I cannot get up, I am wobbly and unsteady. And I have a crazy sensation in the back of my head that’ll come out of no where, it instantly drains me, I feel heavy and can barely move. I still have no answers. 6 emergency room visits, a doctor’s visit, and 16 days of barley any sleep. No answers. Tomorrow, we talk to my doctor about something new we can Do. Maybe different testing, maybe a emergency cardiologist visit, maybe a mri, I don’t know. All I know is that I am beyond tired and drained. My husband is trying his best to pick up the slack. Three children and a home and wife to take care of isn’t easy, it’s taking a toll on us. He walked the room today to me crying, I’m tired, tired of not having answers, tired of having to make all these ER visits knowing that they will just do all the same tests and than chalk it up to health anxiety now. It’s sad, anxiety is not the reason to everything, of course I have some anxiety going on, something is wrong with me and no one is finding out what. My body is shutting down, I’m not myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’m pleading to these doctors for help, and so far I’m not getting any help. Tomorrow I hope this doctor takes it seriously, because I can’t take these tremors I’m having, these heart pauses and this back of the brain shit. Pray for me. It’s been a very long and exhausting 16 days. (Btw the other covid test came up negative)

When all of this first started, of course it was worrisome, but it also had some perks. My husband got to be home more, the kids got to be home more, and we were basically forced into spending time as a family without alot of daily distractions getting in the way. I think most mother’s probably felt a sense of, okay we can really focus on our family for a tiny bit. But it wasn’t just a short period of time, and now we are here over 6 months into it, and it has really affected us, physically, and mentally, our mental state isn’t as clear minded because now we are all home all the time, grocery bills have went up and we are just buying whatever will feed a family of 5 and last, so our eating habits are horrible my husband and I have gained weight over being home non stop and lack of activity. We used to get off work and go to the gym, go play basketball, and now our bodies ache with any little physical activity that we get. My asthma is worse, probably due to the extra weight, and even though I have really loved having my husband home alot, I also miss that chance of missing him, now technology runs our lives. We get stick doing our own things, to the point my husband is usually up past 2am keeping his mind busy. Our schedules are so off. I want my husband back at work to get that chance to miss him, even though we have a pretty tight knit relationship and we hardly ever have any issues, it just be nice to be back on my schedule. Is it just me, or does other house wives struggle with staying on task with cleaning when your husband is home? I know that I’m more on my shit (excuse my language) when my husband isn’t home, I get so much done when he’s gone. But when he’s home, all my energy seems to go out the window. I miss date nights, I miss going skating with the kids, or the park, I desperately miss the gym. Even though we have not had covid ourselves, covid is ruining our lives. I wake up and do school through epic on the computer with all three of my kids, anywhere from four to five hours, while trying to maintain my home, and cater to my husband, and have time to breathe for myself. I am never alone, unless I’m running to the store to run a short errand, and all I can think is how it’s taking time out of the things I need to get done. I’m sure more than half of america is depressed right now, I could choose to go to the gym, but I am not going to risk my family or I going out in public like that, and even if I did choose to go to the gym, there isn’t child care available. So my husband and I would have to take turns going. I believe this is our new normal for a while. I hope that we can learn to cope with all of this, find a way to lose weight, and get our mental back. I know alot more people are struggling just like my family is. We have halloween, and birthdays and Christmas coming up, and unfortunately, it just won’t be the same for the kids. I am thankful I have got the chance to school my children though, because you never know how your kid is doing in school until your the one in charge of it all. So I feel it definitely has made me understand my children a little more and I am so proud of them, but I’m ready for the old normal, family outings, healthier lifestyle and staying active. I pray for people, because this isn’t how people should have to live, but if people would have lived like this s little longer even though they chose to open stuff back up, maybe it be more controlled.

Nick and I have known each other since we were 7 years old. So that is 25 years of knowing each other! It almost seems insane to say. We met at our elementary school in First Grade. We have gone to school with each other every since, we lived In the same neighborhood growing up, and hung out with all the same people. Of course once you enter Middle School, your crowd changes etc. So although I knew Nick and was always friendly, I wouldn’t say after elementary that we kept in touch. We went our seperate ways like most friends do in school, and eventually it had been 12 years since I had seen or heard from him. Well fast forward to us having children with other people, a failed marriage on my end, and us starting our 30’s, you can thank good ol’ facebook for getting us reacquainted. December 27th 2018, Nick popped up on my “who you may know” weeks prior to this I had seen him pop up a few times but didn’t think to add him, until December 27th, I saw him and added him. Within a few short seconds the friendship was accepted, and I received a waving hand from him. I had been out of my marriage for three and a half years at this point, stayed single all those years, but I never thought this was a potential person to date, we immediately started chatting, not thinking anything about it. But that day grew into another day of talking, and another and another, and before we knew it, it had been almost a month of chatting on facebook, that lead to phone calls, and those wonderful good morning texts that you start looking forward to. I wasn’t sure what exactly could happen to us, given I was still living in Texas at the time, and he was living in Oklahoma. We fell hard, and quickly, we quickly realized that our views on parenting alone drew us into each other, learning that he had the same wants, and beliefs as I did when it came to strictly parenting, I was in awe at the passion he had for his children and how important raising them right was to him. It made me fall before I even realized what was happening. We said I love you to each other March 1st 2019, I remember it like it was yesterday, a accidental slip from him first. I had been fighting for a week or so not to say it when getting off the phone, so seeing him slip those words out was a amazing feeling. A trip to Oklahoma to visit later that month, and him meeting my son for the first time, and that was pretty much a wrap from there. It was the most amazing weekend of our lives and we both just knew right than and there that we wanted to do this forever. How could he have been under my nose for 25 years, and I never expected he is who I would end up with, it’s amazing. I remember my trip back home, I had stopped in Wichita falls for the night before heading back to Lubbock in the next morning. I walked into that hotel room, dropped my bags, and I weeped…. I felt crushed, having to leave and not know when the next time I’d see him, it was such a sick feeling. I quickly made plans to move back to Oklahoma which I had been trying to decide for a year prior if I should move back home, that one weekend was all I needed to tell me okay, let’s do this. I moved to Oklahoma three months later, and now here we are two years later, raising all three of our children together, and having the time of our lives being crazy, silly and happy! Our story is funny, to think you can know someone so long and never know that that’s the person your supposed to be with. If your single and long for a relationship, don’t get discouraged, love will find you when you absolutely least expect it, and apparently with the person you least expect. Our story we are still building it, still constructing it, and I’m so excited to share our love with the world!

Introduction to my family! I am a mother to 3 boys! One biological son Alex who will soon be 8 years old, and two bonus kiddos, Jr. (Nicklos Jr) who is soon to be 7, and Remy who is soon to be 6! And a wife to my amazing Husband Nicklos! We are a recently blended family, who has grown so much in the short period of time we’ve been together, and we would like to introduce our family adventures to the world! We cannot wait for you to learn more about us as our journey carries us through this world!